He's making one progress after another and with every new thing he does I get so emotional even at something really small like trying to grab for a toy instead of me giving it to him.
According to the milestones he's an 'advanced' baby but he's also quite big for his age. I do however try to stimulate him in as many ways I can: I read him books (material books and books with sounds) and he does actually listen and smile and kick when the intonation in my voice changes or when he hears the funny sounds and I try to get him to feel the different materials on the fabric book. He has a good concentration span for a 3 month old!
One of his biggest accomplishments and one that I was waiting for for a while is him touching objects (using his hands). The first time I noticed he started regarding his hands as part of his body is when he finally started to be able to put them in his mouth and suck on his fists, but that is all he would use them for. I couldn't wait to see him actually grab a toy or even hold it for a few seconds but he didn't seem interested when I held a toy to him. It was about a couple of weeks ago when we noticed he regarded his hands as the things to 'feel with' and not just to suck on.
We'd just got back from doing the shopping and I'd put Flavio down on the sofa propped up between the cushion and the arm of the sofa and I'd started to put the bags away. I realised something was different... instead of his usual grumpy squeals when I'd put him down there was silence. I walked back into the living room to check on him and I saw what was happening. He was running his fingers across the embroidered flowers on the cushion and looking intently at them. He was repeating this motion again and again and I knew he'd just discovered his little fingers! After this incident whenever we put the cushion next to him, he would do the same procedure. It was so cute watching him discover this new 'trick' and ever since then he's become more and more confident and now he can grip his toys and put them to his mouth and this morning I even caught him reaching up and holding on to a dangling penguin in his baby gym. He'd lose the toy out of his grip and then slowly and cautionately aim for the penguin again! It seems like such a small step but I think he's Einstein! It must be all those maternal hormones from breastfeeding!
He's even starting baby talk, he ooos and aaahs and even says syllables baaaa and maaaa and naaaa.. I love watching him 'talk' and those funny little expressions he has on his face when trying to get his message across!
Flavio's a little champion!
Friday, November 26, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
My new baby! A happy and healthy Flavio changes my life forever!
He's now two and a half months old and we are so happy for having our beautiful baby boy with us. He gets compliments everywhere he goes. He's beautiful, perfectly proportioned with big alert blue eyes, a button nose and full red lips. He's a good baby even though he still feeds various times throughout the night. He smiles a lot a beautiful wide, toothless, contagious smile and he loves being held and talked to. He even tries to talk back already!
He's a really masculin baby with a powerful cry and strong limbs. He goes crazy if you lie him flat down, stamping his little feet and flapping his arms with such vigour! His face makes me laugh as he does this as it looks as if he's about to take off he's so excited!
He's breastfed too. I wanted to give him the best start in life after all he'd been though. My miracle baby boy is a little sweetheart.
He's a really masculin baby with a powerful cry and strong limbs. He goes crazy if you lie him flat down, stamping his little feet and flapping his arms with such vigour! His face makes me laugh as he does this as it looks as if he's about to take off he's so excited!
He's breastfed too. I wanted to give him the best start in life after all he'd been though. My miracle baby boy is a little sweetheart.
Flavio is here! Born on the 20th August 2010. My precious angel is in his Mummy's arms.
I haven't written for a while as, understandibly there's been a lot to do! But I'm delighted to say that my darling baby has arrived and he is as gorgeous and angelic as I imagined, I couldn't have wished for a cuter baby. I'm tired from the night feedings but I love the feeling of being a Mummy and having a son.
Flavio is a happy and healthy baby and is much loved by all around him.
It all started on the 19th August, I was having light menstrual cramps and had an inkling that it might be the start of something but I'd been having a few contractions for a few days and thought they might just be braxton hicks or something, but at 4am I was woken up with what felt like proper period pains. I realised they might be contractions and A especially thought something was happening and so he started timing them. As I thought they were irregular and so I just wanted to go back to sleep but as I put my head back down on the pillow I got a strong period pain that lasted a few seconds. A started to get up out of bed and wanted to go to the hospital already but I wanted to wait as they told us at the antenatal course until they were 5 minutes apart. I tried to get back to sleep but I suddenly got an even stronger period pain that this time was quite painful and after this I agreed with A to go to the hospital. I sent a message to my parents because they wanted to know exactly when my contractions started, (they were as absorbed in this pregnancy as A and I). They wished me good luck and off we drove to the hospital.
I had a few contractions in the car, but nothing like the big one I'd had previously at home. I was really excited thinking Flavio was on his way but I was very nervous and a part of me thought that it might be false labour too.
When we arrived at the hospital they put me on the fetal monitoring machine and surprisingly regular contractions were showing up even though I wasn't feeling them as much as I was at home (they weren't painful). I felt quite lucky as the woman next to me who was 38 was at 41+2 and still no sign of labour. Her monitor showed no contractions and she had to be admitted due to the late gestation. We started to talk a little and she was actually quite nice, she was making me laugh and the fact the laughs that I emitted showed up on the monitor made me laugh even more I just couldn't contain myself but it lightened up the situation a bit so I was happy. A was waiting eagerly outside in the waiting room. He was excited too. I have to say that looking back at this event it was one of the most exciting things in my life a bit like the anticipation for a holiday only multiplied by 10! I look on it with such awe and happiness in my heart, the birth of my little boy.
When the doctor read the result he said there were signs of labour but it wasn't actually active labour and seeing as I was dilated 2-3 cms he said I could decide whether to be admitted or not. I spoke to A about this. He said it was best for me to be admitted, my mum thought it was the best thing to stay in hospital seeing as I had the chance of being admitted and having a bed and like that they would do regular monitoring. I was just worried because the doctor said it could be a matter of days before the labour picked up. I didn't want to wait in a hospital bed for days before I gave birth! I mulled things over and agreed with A and went to tell them my decision. I suddenly felt so anxious as it hit me that I wouldn't be leaving the hospital without my baby in my arms! The doctor ordered me to walk around the hospital grounds to bring on the contractions. It was a lovely sunny hot august morning and the hospital had some beautiful gardens and a little chapel which A and I enjoyed walking around. It was kind of hard to walk as by now I felt so heavy and a leg kept giving way but still I enjoyed walking thinking it wasn't long til I see my baby!
When I couldn't walk any longer we went back in the hospital to have breakfast together.. cappuccino and cornetto! The typical Italian breakfast. It was around this time that I finally lost my mucous plug and it was quite disgusting. I didn't imagine it to be so big! Like an organ! I know quite gross but a major piece of information as labour sets in shortly after losing the plug.
A accompanied me to my ward and put my hospital bag away in my cupboard and was so sweet with me. He then went home to get changed and bring me some supplies of food and juices. I was taken to have blood tests, was shaved and then settled into my bed and tried to get some sleep as I was up since four a.m. I laid there for a while wishing on the contractions but they had slowed down and stopped! I was told this was normal and it can happen only to have them come back in a matter of days. I didn't want to stay in hospital for a matter of days!! After about an hour or so I was called to have another NST but was told to go into the labour room as there was no room at the emergency room.
The labour room was really technological with allsorts of modern machines and was really clean and new looking. A midwife hooked me up and gave me the controller for the bed, I could move it up or down as I liked. It was so much better than having the NST in the emergency room! The woman who I was talking to previously was in the labour room next to mine, coincidentally she was in the bed next to mine in the maternity ward too! The monitoring started at 16:16 on the 19th August. I familiarised myself with the room, taking it in all. I imagined how many women had gone into labour in that room. I was anxious but excited and when I finally had a painful contraction and slowly but surely the contractions were showing up and were quite regular I realised this was it. They weren't all painful but an odd contraction would come along and take my breath away with the pain. After all the wondering what a contraction would be like, I can finally describe it perfectly: an excrutiating period pain. Some people feel it all the way around their abdomen and in their back but I just felt them at the front and when they started getting bad I wanted to tell the midwife who came in to check on me every 10 minutes or so. My friend had been taken off the NST with no contractions and came to see me. When I told her that I was having bad pains she got me the midwife. She wished me luck and went back to the ward and I was left there on my bed in the labour room finally going into labour.
I sent a message to A saying that I'd had a big painful contraction again and he called me straight away saying that he was on his way to the hospital, I asked him if he thought this was it and he said yes. I couldn't actually take in the fact it was finally happening after what seemed like years of waiting!
I was getting really nervous as I was so used to be getting sent away from the NST and going home but this time I was staying in there hooked up, I wouldn't be going home this time! The nurse was so calm, she was so used to this, but I was very nervous.
The midwife checked my dilation and said I was nearing a 4 and asked me if I was having an epidural. I said I was. I decided to have one after feeling the pain of the contractions because I realised I wasn't one of those lucky ones who didn't feel all that much pain and say labour is easy. I wanted to have the needle inserted when A was with me so I asked if I could have him with me!
A finally turned up after I'd had the drip needle put in my arm and after they'd called the anaesthetist to come and do my epidural. The nurse passed by my room and told me A was outside waiting impatiently to come in and they'd given him his green hat and shirt to get into whilst waiting. I don't know why he had to wait. I ended up having the epidural before he got in. I was quite nervous about it and I held onto the nurse that was stood in front of me for comfort as the anaesthetist inserted first a small needle which I felt just as a prick and then she told me to stay very still as she inserted the larger needle. I felt it go through the nerves in my spine and even though I wouldn't describe it as painful it made me go queasy as it was a strange sensation.
She said I would feel the benefit within 10 minutes of it. Shortly after I had another huge breath taking contraction and I was so glad I got the epidural as it was so painful, an undescribable pain that everyone tells you that goes through childbirth.
Slowly but surely the pain eased away and I discovered how amazing the epidural was. I saw the contractions showing up on the monitor but didn't actually feel the pain. I was just talking to A sat on the bed as my contractions were getting stronger. Seeing them so close together and strong on the machine I wondered how I would've coped without the epidural.
Luckily one of the trainee midwives that I'd got to know a little towards the end of my pregnancy showed up on her shift just as I was about 4 hours into my labour. My anxiety lessened a little knowing that she was now there looking after me. We hugged and talked a little and A was still sat calmly on the bed chatting with us. My water bag still hadn't broken and was slowing down the labour process so a couple of nurses came to try and break it. They inserted a thin plastic rod thing inside and said it was a very strong bag as it was resisting their attempts to break it! When it finally broke I didn't feel anything nor did I want to see them cleaning up the remains of amniotic liquid. Apparently labour was progressing well after that.
After a while a senior midwife came in and checked my dilation, she said I was about an 8 and to start squatting by the bed to help the head come down into the birth canal. I did as she said. She told me to look at the monitor and to see when a contraction is coming and to gently push as if I was going to the toilet!
This is where the panic started. I started to feel pain again as my epidural had finished as I saw the contractions coming on the screen I was feeling tremendous pain in my abdomen. The senior midwife said that I couldn't have another epidural as I needed to feel the pain to be able to push well at the end. But the pain was starting to get excrutiating! From here my nice fairytale labour started to turn into a nightmare.
I was for what seemed like an eternity trying to push the head down into the birth canal they kept on checking me and pulling a face as if to say 'no there's something not right here' but they weren't actually telling me anything they were just talking amongst themselves. There was a young pretty midwife with dark hair and big brown eyes that I'll always remember who took over from this part onwards. She had red cherry earrings and I just remember keep looking into those big brown eyes with long lashes wishing she would say I was nearly finished but she just kept on checking me and trying to manoeuvre the head with her hands and whispering to her colleagues who were all sat on my bed taking part. Time was passing by and I was still in agony and still being prodded and poked and having the same perplexed looks. I was panicking so much that I was trying to find a position in which the pain subsided a little but nothing worked. I ended up staggering in circles next to the bed with all the wires attached to me and I remember the midwives shouting at me to get back on the bed but their voices were going in one ear and going out the other. They just seemed like a blur even though they were shouting quite assertively. A was saying 'what are you doing?' and I just replied 'I can't take it anymore, please do something!'.
I finally got back onto the bed and tried staying on all fours the midwives said this was ok and said to really start pushing. But the pain was too excrutiating and pushing made it worse. I didn't understand. I'd always read about the desire to push being so strong and doing so made you feel better. I had no desire and pushing just amplified the pain. I turned around and led on my side, I remember thinking I just want to curl up and die I wasn't bothered about the consequences I just wanted the pain to stop. I looked up at the crucifix hung on the wall and thought now I understand why they say women are born to suffer. The midwives were shouting at me to turn around onto my back but I just couldn't. I was crying and moaning and A got told to go outside as 'these aren't nice things to see'. They kept checking and prodding and poking and whispering and I was asking if there was something wrong but they didn't ever answer me. They just kept telling me to push as hard as I can. I've always been told that I have strong abdomen muscles and I have a flat stomach because I'm a sporty kind of person so I knew I could push very hard but I was being demoralised as every time I pushed like crazy I was being told it wasn't good enough. I realised the best thing to do was to push even if I was scared that my lungs were going to burst. Hours were passing by and I was still pushing still in excrutiating pain and without any pain relief. They'd even put me on an oxytocin drip to amplify the contractions even more, even though I had been told my contractions were perfect, strong and close together. I knew there was a problem. A was outside poking his head around the door every so often looking terribly worried. At one point I noticed the midwives looked a little more concerned than before and A was looking at the monitor machine. Our friend midwife who was stroking me and trying to help me noticed A looking and her words terrified me 'yes his heartbeat is raising, don't worry it'll be ok' Then I noticed on the screen and I was hearing the fast beats the heartrate was at 200 beats per minute. I was frantic. My legs were covered in blood and the bed sheets but there was no sign of this baby coming out. I was in such a state, exhausted and scared. At this point I started begging for pain relief. I was crying and begging my friend saying that I promised I'd push harder if they just gave me an epidural. The senior midwife heard and said 'NO, NO this baby has to be born! Tonight! Don't you want to see your son?'
As soon as she had left the room my friend called the anaesthetist to come and do another epidural and I felt SO relieved. As soon as I was given the epidural I continued to feel pain but it was getting more and more muffled and I could finally concentrate to push. I was told there WAS a problem and for some reason every time I pushed the baby would go back up again. There was something blocking the head. This baby was too big for me after all and I should've had a caesarean. I was screamed at to push as hard as I could and I remember pushing and my head feeling like it was going to explode along with my lungs. Finally I was told that if I pushed just a little harder they would let my partner come in and see the head. Wow! My baby's head! So there was some progress! I did another life threatening push and I saw A's face enlighten as he saw the head. A doctor was called in due to the complications and he checked me and then all of a sudden the midwives were putting their little hats on and the delivery room was being prepared. I was told to walk to the delivery room from my bed just a few metres away but I didn't care now I knew my baby was about to be born. Walking to the delivery room I felt his head in my birth canal and I kind of waddled there, a feeling I'll never forget the strangest thing ever! It was also a feeling of victory. I'd got that head there with my own strength despite the agony it took to get it there, despite the complications.
I sat up on that big delivery chair like it was a throne! Doctors and midwifes surrounded me and that big circular light was on me like a spotlight! 'PUSH!' they all said and I pushed another mighty push. I then saw the girl with the big brown eyes and red cherry earrings take what looked like hedge sheers and I knew I was about to be cut. This sent a rush of relief through me strangely enough. I knew I had to be cut to get him out. When she'd finished they shouted push again and all of a sudden the doctor who had checked me suddenly got on top of me and with his elbow strongly pushed down on my belly. I saw stars in front of my eyes as if I was about to pass out but I didn't. Then I saw what's probably the most moving image of my entire life. I saw his head pop out of me followed by his body and then taken away to a table next to me where I heard his cry for the first time! This was it! Flavio was here! A had seen the whole delivery and was crying. 'E' nato!' he said (he's born!) and I just remember being relieved to not feel that pain again. The placenta was delivered shortly after and I was given Flavio to hold for the first time after he had been cleaned up. He was wrapped in a dark green sheet and I remember feeling his warm heavy body on my chest. The most emotional thing was when I saw his little perfect face. He was looking right into my eyes, quiet and alert. It was as if he recognised his mother. The eye contact was beautiful, I felt so special. They then took him away. That was it. I had done it! I had given birth! I was shaking like a leaf but I felt so empowered knowing I'd done what is probably the hardest task on earth. He was born at 00:05 on the 20th August.
Luckily he survived another complication after that detachment. The labour I was told was a very difficult and risky one due to the baby's weight, he turned out to be 3.9kg which was over his estimated weight and the pushing stage was way too long. He risked his health but thanks to the doctor that did that awful manoeuvre pushing down on me he finally came out.
I was however very lucky because after my labour it was on the news that many women had had difficult labours like mine where their babies had suffered heart attacks causing irreversible damage. These stories frightened me knowing that that could have happened to me. My heart goes out to their families and I cannot even imagine how they feel.
I didn't sleep that night I just couldn't wait for them to wheel in my baby and look at him and hold him. I was also all tender and bruised and felt my stitches stinging me but the feeling of euphoria overrode everything.
Flavio is a happy and healthy baby and is much loved by all around him.
It all started on the 19th August, I was having light menstrual cramps and had an inkling that it might be the start of something but I'd been having a few contractions for a few days and thought they might just be braxton hicks or something, but at 4am I was woken up with what felt like proper period pains. I realised they might be contractions and A especially thought something was happening and so he started timing them. As I thought they were irregular and so I just wanted to go back to sleep but as I put my head back down on the pillow I got a strong period pain that lasted a few seconds. A started to get up out of bed and wanted to go to the hospital already but I wanted to wait as they told us at the antenatal course until they were 5 minutes apart. I tried to get back to sleep but I suddenly got an even stronger period pain that this time was quite painful and after this I agreed with A to go to the hospital. I sent a message to my parents because they wanted to know exactly when my contractions started, (they were as absorbed in this pregnancy as A and I). They wished me good luck and off we drove to the hospital.
I had a few contractions in the car, but nothing like the big one I'd had previously at home. I was really excited thinking Flavio was on his way but I was very nervous and a part of me thought that it might be false labour too.
When we arrived at the hospital they put me on the fetal monitoring machine and surprisingly regular contractions were showing up even though I wasn't feeling them as much as I was at home (they weren't painful). I felt quite lucky as the woman next to me who was 38 was at 41+2 and still no sign of labour. Her monitor showed no contractions and she had to be admitted due to the late gestation. We started to talk a little and she was actually quite nice, she was making me laugh and the fact the laughs that I emitted showed up on the monitor made me laugh even more I just couldn't contain myself but it lightened up the situation a bit so I was happy. A was waiting eagerly outside in the waiting room. He was excited too. I have to say that looking back at this event it was one of the most exciting things in my life a bit like the anticipation for a holiday only multiplied by 10! I look on it with such awe and happiness in my heart, the birth of my little boy.
When the doctor read the result he said there were signs of labour but it wasn't actually active labour and seeing as I was dilated 2-3 cms he said I could decide whether to be admitted or not. I spoke to A about this. He said it was best for me to be admitted, my mum thought it was the best thing to stay in hospital seeing as I had the chance of being admitted and having a bed and like that they would do regular monitoring. I was just worried because the doctor said it could be a matter of days before the labour picked up. I didn't want to wait in a hospital bed for days before I gave birth! I mulled things over and agreed with A and went to tell them my decision. I suddenly felt so anxious as it hit me that I wouldn't be leaving the hospital without my baby in my arms! The doctor ordered me to walk around the hospital grounds to bring on the contractions. It was a lovely sunny hot august morning and the hospital had some beautiful gardens and a little chapel which A and I enjoyed walking around. It was kind of hard to walk as by now I felt so heavy and a leg kept giving way but still I enjoyed walking thinking it wasn't long til I see my baby!
When I couldn't walk any longer we went back in the hospital to have breakfast together.. cappuccino and cornetto! The typical Italian breakfast. It was around this time that I finally lost my mucous plug and it was quite disgusting. I didn't imagine it to be so big! Like an organ! I know quite gross but a major piece of information as labour sets in shortly after losing the plug.
A accompanied me to my ward and put my hospital bag away in my cupboard and was so sweet with me. He then went home to get changed and bring me some supplies of food and juices. I was taken to have blood tests, was shaved and then settled into my bed and tried to get some sleep as I was up since four a.m. I laid there for a while wishing on the contractions but they had slowed down and stopped! I was told this was normal and it can happen only to have them come back in a matter of days. I didn't want to stay in hospital for a matter of days!! After about an hour or so I was called to have another NST but was told to go into the labour room as there was no room at the emergency room.
The labour room was really technological with allsorts of modern machines and was really clean and new looking. A midwife hooked me up and gave me the controller for the bed, I could move it up or down as I liked. It was so much better than having the NST in the emergency room! The woman who I was talking to previously was in the labour room next to mine, coincidentally she was in the bed next to mine in the maternity ward too! The monitoring started at 16:16 on the 19th August. I familiarised myself with the room, taking it in all. I imagined how many women had gone into labour in that room. I was anxious but excited and when I finally had a painful contraction and slowly but surely the contractions were showing up and were quite regular I realised this was it. They weren't all painful but an odd contraction would come along and take my breath away with the pain. After all the wondering what a contraction would be like, I can finally describe it perfectly: an excrutiating period pain. Some people feel it all the way around their abdomen and in their back but I just felt them at the front and when they started getting bad I wanted to tell the midwife who came in to check on me every 10 minutes or so. My friend had been taken off the NST with no contractions and came to see me. When I told her that I was having bad pains she got me the midwife. She wished me luck and went back to the ward and I was left there on my bed in the labour room finally going into labour.
I sent a message to A saying that I'd had a big painful contraction again and he called me straight away saying that he was on his way to the hospital, I asked him if he thought this was it and he said yes. I couldn't actually take in the fact it was finally happening after what seemed like years of waiting!
I was getting really nervous as I was so used to be getting sent away from the NST and going home but this time I was staying in there hooked up, I wouldn't be going home this time! The nurse was so calm, she was so used to this, but I was very nervous.
The midwife checked my dilation and said I was nearing a 4 and asked me if I was having an epidural. I said I was. I decided to have one after feeling the pain of the contractions because I realised I wasn't one of those lucky ones who didn't feel all that much pain and say labour is easy. I wanted to have the needle inserted when A was with me so I asked if I could have him with me!
A finally turned up after I'd had the drip needle put in my arm and after they'd called the anaesthetist to come and do my epidural. The nurse passed by my room and told me A was outside waiting impatiently to come in and they'd given him his green hat and shirt to get into whilst waiting. I don't know why he had to wait. I ended up having the epidural before he got in. I was quite nervous about it and I held onto the nurse that was stood in front of me for comfort as the anaesthetist inserted first a small needle which I felt just as a prick and then she told me to stay very still as she inserted the larger needle. I felt it go through the nerves in my spine and even though I wouldn't describe it as painful it made me go queasy as it was a strange sensation.
She said I would feel the benefit within 10 minutes of it. Shortly after I had another huge breath taking contraction and I was so glad I got the epidural as it was so painful, an undescribable pain that everyone tells you that goes through childbirth.
Slowly but surely the pain eased away and I discovered how amazing the epidural was. I saw the contractions showing up on the monitor but didn't actually feel the pain. I was just talking to A sat on the bed as my contractions were getting stronger. Seeing them so close together and strong on the machine I wondered how I would've coped without the epidural.
Luckily one of the trainee midwives that I'd got to know a little towards the end of my pregnancy showed up on her shift just as I was about 4 hours into my labour. My anxiety lessened a little knowing that she was now there looking after me. We hugged and talked a little and A was still sat calmly on the bed chatting with us. My water bag still hadn't broken and was slowing down the labour process so a couple of nurses came to try and break it. They inserted a thin plastic rod thing inside and said it was a very strong bag as it was resisting their attempts to break it! When it finally broke I didn't feel anything nor did I want to see them cleaning up the remains of amniotic liquid. Apparently labour was progressing well after that.
After a while a senior midwife came in and checked my dilation, she said I was about an 8 and to start squatting by the bed to help the head come down into the birth canal. I did as she said. She told me to look at the monitor and to see when a contraction is coming and to gently push as if I was going to the toilet!
This is where the panic started. I started to feel pain again as my epidural had finished as I saw the contractions coming on the screen I was feeling tremendous pain in my abdomen. The senior midwife said that I couldn't have another epidural as I needed to feel the pain to be able to push well at the end. But the pain was starting to get excrutiating! From here my nice fairytale labour started to turn into a nightmare.
I was for what seemed like an eternity trying to push the head down into the birth canal they kept on checking me and pulling a face as if to say 'no there's something not right here' but they weren't actually telling me anything they were just talking amongst themselves. There was a young pretty midwife with dark hair and big brown eyes that I'll always remember who took over from this part onwards. She had red cherry earrings and I just remember keep looking into those big brown eyes with long lashes wishing she would say I was nearly finished but she just kept on checking me and trying to manoeuvre the head with her hands and whispering to her colleagues who were all sat on my bed taking part. Time was passing by and I was still in agony and still being prodded and poked and having the same perplexed looks. I was panicking so much that I was trying to find a position in which the pain subsided a little but nothing worked. I ended up staggering in circles next to the bed with all the wires attached to me and I remember the midwives shouting at me to get back on the bed but their voices were going in one ear and going out the other. They just seemed like a blur even though they were shouting quite assertively. A was saying 'what are you doing?' and I just replied 'I can't take it anymore, please do something!'.
I finally got back onto the bed and tried staying on all fours the midwives said this was ok and said to really start pushing. But the pain was too excrutiating and pushing made it worse. I didn't understand. I'd always read about the desire to push being so strong and doing so made you feel better. I had no desire and pushing just amplified the pain. I turned around and led on my side, I remember thinking I just want to curl up and die I wasn't bothered about the consequences I just wanted the pain to stop. I looked up at the crucifix hung on the wall and thought now I understand why they say women are born to suffer. The midwives were shouting at me to turn around onto my back but I just couldn't. I was crying and moaning and A got told to go outside as 'these aren't nice things to see'. They kept checking and prodding and poking and whispering and I was asking if there was something wrong but they didn't ever answer me. They just kept telling me to push as hard as I can. I've always been told that I have strong abdomen muscles and I have a flat stomach because I'm a sporty kind of person so I knew I could push very hard but I was being demoralised as every time I pushed like crazy I was being told it wasn't good enough. I realised the best thing to do was to push even if I was scared that my lungs were going to burst. Hours were passing by and I was still pushing still in excrutiating pain and without any pain relief. They'd even put me on an oxytocin drip to amplify the contractions even more, even though I had been told my contractions were perfect, strong and close together. I knew there was a problem. A was outside poking his head around the door every so often looking terribly worried. At one point I noticed the midwives looked a little more concerned than before and A was looking at the monitor machine. Our friend midwife who was stroking me and trying to help me noticed A looking and her words terrified me 'yes his heartbeat is raising, don't worry it'll be ok' Then I noticed on the screen and I was hearing the fast beats the heartrate was at 200 beats per minute. I was frantic. My legs were covered in blood and the bed sheets but there was no sign of this baby coming out. I was in such a state, exhausted and scared. At this point I started begging for pain relief. I was crying and begging my friend saying that I promised I'd push harder if they just gave me an epidural. The senior midwife heard and said 'NO, NO this baby has to be born! Tonight! Don't you want to see your son?'
As soon as she had left the room my friend called the anaesthetist to come and do another epidural and I felt SO relieved. As soon as I was given the epidural I continued to feel pain but it was getting more and more muffled and I could finally concentrate to push. I was told there WAS a problem and for some reason every time I pushed the baby would go back up again. There was something blocking the head. This baby was too big for me after all and I should've had a caesarean. I was screamed at to push as hard as I could and I remember pushing and my head feeling like it was going to explode along with my lungs. Finally I was told that if I pushed just a little harder they would let my partner come in and see the head. Wow! My baby's head! So there was some progress! I did another life threatening push and I saw A's face enlighten as he saw the head. A doctor was called in due to the complications and he checked me and then all of a sudden the midwives were putting their little hats on and the delivery room was being prepared. I was told to walk to the delivery room from my bed just a few metres away but I didn't care now I knew my baby was about to be born. Walking to the delivery room I felt his head in my birth canal and I kind of waddled there, a feeling I'll never forget the strangest thing ever! It was also a feeling of victory. I'd got that head there with my own strength despite the agony it took to get it there, despite the complications.
I sat up on that big delivery chair like it was a throne! Doctors and midwifes surrounded me and that big circular light was on me like a spotlight! 'PUSH!' they all said and I pushed another mighty push. I then saw the girl with the big brown eyes and red cherry earrings take what looked like hedge sheers and I knew I was about to be cut. This sent a rush of relief through me strangely enough. I knew I had to be cut to get him out. When she'd finished they shouted push again and all of a sudden the doctor who had checked me suddenly got on top of me and with his elbow strongly pushed down on my belly. I saw stars in front of my eyes as if I was about to pass out but I didn't. Then I saw what's probably the most moving image of my entire life. I saw his head pop out of me followed by his body and then taken away to a table next to me where I heard his cry for the first time! This was it! Flavio was here! A had seen the whole delivery and was crying. 'E' nato!' he said (he's born!) and I just remember being relieved to not feel that pain again. The placenta was delivered shortly after and I was given Flavio to hold for the first time after he had been cleaned up. He was wrapped in a dark green sheet and I remember feeling his warm heavy body on my chest. The most emotional thing was when I saw his little perfect face. He was looking right into my eyes, quiet and alert. It was as if he recognised his mother. The eye contact was beautiful, I felt so special. They then took him away. That was it. I had done it! I had given birth! I was shaking like a leaf but I felt so empowered knowing I'd done what is probably the hardest task on earth. He was born at 00:05 on the 20th August.
Luckily he survived another complication after that detachment. The labour I was told was a very difficult and risky one due to the baby's weight, he turned out to be 3.9kg which was over his estimated weight and the pushing stage was way too long. He risked his health but thanks to the doctor that did that awful manoeuvre pushing down on me he finally came out.
I was however very lucky because after my labour it was on the news that many women had had difficult labours like mine where their babies had suffered heart attacks causing irreversible damage. These stories frightened me knowing that that could have happened to me. My heart goes out to their families and I cannot even imagine how they feel.
I didn't sleep that night I just couldn't wait for them to wheel in my baby and look at him and hold him. I was also all tender and bruised and felt my stitches stinging me but the feeling of euphoria overrode everything.
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