After getting over the initial buzz of being in this entirely new 'phase' of my life I started to fantasize about life as a mother. It's quite strange because it only hits you when you are actually pregnant the way you look at motherhood, beforehand it's just like childish whim that comes over you and you just imagine holding a little baby like a little girl holding her doll. When you actually receive the news that you're expecting you start to consider all the other things about motherhood like 'responsibility' for a defenseless being 24 hours a day, seven days a week. It suddenly becomes 'real' but nevertheless something wonderful that makes you feel all sparkly inside.
One good physical result of my pregnancy is that I didn't experience too much of the annoying stuff at the beginning like violent morning sickness or dizziness. I actually had that good side effect you sometimes hear about, that radiant glow, softer smoother hair that after months of falling out when I took a shower now didn't fall out at all and became thicker and glossier... Please don't hate me!
After a few weeks of this new situation unbelievably my anxiety had started to fade away. I had suffered awfully for months. Doctors, pills, even tranquillisers didn't seem to work and I thought I'd be stuck with this debilitating problem for life, I was really stuck in a rut. What the hell had happened in my brain chemicals that I didn't feel that fear and dread anymore? I actually felt strong for the first time in months. Like I could handle anything. And in fact I did. After weeks of talking over with a psychologist my fear of taking an aeroplane again after having a bad time I felt like I could do it. Without any medical aids. I took the plane to England and I managed to handle it perfectly. I was over the moon. This tiny being growing inside me had given me the strength to face my fears. I just thought I had to protect him and the thought of somebody actually 'needing' you is one of the most powerful feelings you'll ever experience. I couldn't do anything that would harm this defenseless being so I got over my own fears.
I felt so much better. Was it some magical hormone released in your body when you become pregnant or was it something higher, more spiritual?
So after going for all the medical appointments and scans everything seemed to be evolving perfectly. A was as happy as me and my parents too. Friends were ecstatic. My life was taking a turn for the better.
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I remember feeling like I grew a spine along with my first child. People and situations I would have needlessly tolerated in the past, I found I was able to deal with more assertively. Sounds like we had similar benefits for different problems.
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