Losing him

A couple of weeks passed by and I was obediently taking it easy. The first week I bed rested completely. I went to see my gynecologist after this first week of bed rest and she confirmed the big ugly detachment. She said it was like a big bruise behind the amniotic sac and contained blood which needed to be absorbed for the pregnancy to go ahead. Fortunately it seemed to have shrunk a tiny bit by about two millimetres so I was delighted and thought that this was the start of my recovery.
I spent the following week resting a lot but I sat down at the table to study sometimes (I had two exams coming up) and cooked being careful not to lift heavy weights or stay stood up too long. It was very boring but I did it with pleasure for my little bean. I needed him to stay in there and stay strong as he had done that unfortunate day. He survived the car crash, his little heart had carried on pumping regardless of the consequences, regardless of the fact half of his 'home' had been separated from the womb. I was so proud of him!
I carried on taking things slowly and waiting for my next appointment. One particular day I was sat reading some of the posts on my birth group on the computer and A was cooking lunch. To my horror, I suddenly realised I was bleeding. It was bright red blood and it started off as a few drops. I was overcome with dread and horror. I was having a miscarriage. I told A and he prepared straight away to take me to the hospital. As I was changing and putting on a sanitary pad, blood was gushing out and I was already starting to mourn the loss of my little bean. I felt so angry for having that crash, even guilty. As we were driving to the hospital I cried the loss of this little being, I felt a terrible weight knowing that was my child and he didn't even have the chance to be born. I'd never felt this type of sadness before, it was different to anything I'd ever felt and was something very strong. A was scared and upset too. He hated to see me cry.
At accident and emergency the doctor saw me straight away. By the time I'd got into the room ready to be checked, there was blood everywhere. She visited me and I felt big blobs of blood come out. She told me I was going to lose a lot more blood and I was mentally preparing myself to have that D and C operation after a miscarriage. She finally did the scan. I didn't want to look at the screen, the image would probably scar me for life. I just looked at the doctor's face. She was really kind and understanding. She said 'the baby is fine, here he is.' I incredulously looked at the screen and it was the first time I'd seen the baby move. He was moving his tiny arms and legs and that image filled my heart with warmth and hope and the tenderness of seeing my little bean actually move around on the screen like a miniscule baby.
What was going on?
How could I be losing so much blood?
'You have an enormous detachment and you'll have to be admitted to have any chance of saving this pregnancy'
I was so relieved of the fact that my bean was still alive that I didn't care what I had to do, I actually welcomed the idea of staying in hospital. I knew it was very serious but all I could think of was how strong this little embryo was, hanging on by a thread, staying strong for his mummy!
A got told of the seriousness of my condition and he too was relieved but very worried. I was given a huge nappy to change into and had a lot of tests done. After taking a lot of blood too they put me on a drip and gave me medicine to help stop the bleeding. I was very weak and was taken to the ward on a wheelchair and told to rest. I was in a room with five other women, all of whom had given birth except for the girl in the bed next to me who was also on a drip and was heavily pregnant. For some reason I didn't feel scared or homesick. I knew this would be my home for a while now. A had gone home and I layed down on the bed and stared at the big crucifix which hung above the window. I felt so lucky that beany was alive.
*In English the diagnosis is 'subchorionic hematoma' and can occur commonly in pregnancy. In my case this was at a very serious stage, it measured 9cm and I was at the point of miscarriage on admittance into hospital.