The first night in hospital wasn't as bad as I thought. I was on a drip and it was hard to find a position to sleep in with a needle stuck in my arm. I'd spoken to the lady in the bed next to me and she'd explained a bit about hospital life, she was really nice and that made me feel at ease, also the fact that she'd been there already for ten days somehow made me feel better. Lights went out at midnight and I just couldn't sleep. I had bad neck ache, the pillow was hard. I had to tell A to bring me my pillow from home. Just four hours later lights went on and I could hear clanging noises as is something was being brought into our rooms.. They were tiny metal cots on wheels all with newborns inside crying and hungry. The nurses had brought them in to be breastfed by their mothers. I hadn't realised at first that I would be sleep deprived too being in hospital, but I was in the maternity ward after all.
It was like this every day, I was woken every four hours during the night as the newborns were brought in. I didn't mind too much, especially because during the day I was only led down in my bed and would drift off and sleep a lot anyway. A came in at all visiting times, sometimes he would bring me something that I liked to eat if the hospital food wasn't that good during the day. I'd gotten to know the other women in the ward but every three days they would change and some other pregnant woman would come and take their place. I saw them come in, go into labour and be taken to give birth and come back in where they were brought their newborn babies. Only the one that was in the bed next to mine stayed and I felt as if I had a friend in her. I learned so much about labour, birth and breastfeeding in the time I was in hospital as these were the main subjects of conversation. I got so expert that sometimes I gave the new arrivals my pearls of knowledge if ever they had a problem. It was actually nice having the company and seeing so many newborn babies every day.
Sometimes I would get quite down during my stay as the detachment didn't seem to be getting any better. The doctors said that it would take a long time for there to be any sign of an improvement but that I should be happy for the fact I hadn't lost him yet. I got taken to have a scan every day. They'd take me on a wheelchair to the scan room. A lot of the time it was a different doctor who did the scan and all they'd say was how enormous this detachment was. Once I got told that my amniotic fluid levels were low but this was ruled out the next day. I was put through so much stress that every day before having the scan I would be so nervous thinking maybe it was the day that I'd hear his heartbeat had stopped and that my bean wasn't alive. They did tell me this was a possibilty. Sometimes I'd lose liquid and get really distressed thinking I was leaking amniotic fluid, but every time the nurses did the PROM test and reassured me it wasn't amniotic fluid. One fine day about 11 days later I was having my daily scan and the doctor said there was sign of improvement, the detachment was 'rearranging itself' and had got smalled by a few millimetres. On hearing this news I felt like I was in heaven. It gave me so much confidence and I felt so proud of my child thinking how brave and strong he actually was. On the same day, the same doctor told me that I was expecting a little boy and this bit of news made me so emotional, it was a little boy in there fighting for his life, my son!
After a while I got taken off the drip, which made me quite nervous as I was worried the contractions could come back. Having so much blood in the womb irritated it and caused contractions but the doctors said I could stop the drip and go onto regular injections.
A few days later I asked if I could go home and even though the doctor who was following my case said he would recommend staying in another week or two he said I could go home as long as I promised to stay on bed rest. I promised and A came to pick me up. My legs felt like jelly as I tried to walk out of the hospital but I was so happy at the thought of coming home. Walking out of the hospital I actually felt a bit of nostalgia, I missed the people who had lived this major event of my life with me for these weeks I'd been admitted!

Have you had any pregnancy complications or thought you had?

Pregnancy is such a joyous time and when you think there maybe a problem it can be really scary thinking you may lose that precious being. Tell us about yours.

Losing him

A couple of weeks passed by and I was obediently taking it easy. The first week I bed rested completely. I went to see my gynecologist after this first week of bed rest and she confirmed the big ugly detachment. She said it was like a big bruise behind the amniotic sac and contained blood which needed to be absorbed for the pregnancy to go ahead. Fortunately it seemed to have shrunk a tiny bit by about two millimetres so I was delighted and thought that this was the start of my recovery.
I spent the following week resting a lot but I sat down at the table to study sometimes (I had two exams coming up) and cooked being careful not to lift heavy weights or stay stood up too long. It was very boring but I did it with pleasure for my little bean. I needed him to stay in there and stay strong as he had done that unfortunate day. He survived the car crash, his little heart had carried on pumping regardless of the consequences, regardless of the fact half of his 'home' had been separated from the womb. I was so proud of him!
I carried on taking things slowly and waiting for my next appointment. One particular day I was sat reading some of the posts on my birth group on the computer and A was cooking lunch. To my horror, I suddenly realised I was bleeding. It was bright red blood and it started off as a few drops. I was overcome with dread and horror. I was having a miscarriage. I told A and he prepared straight away to take me to the hospital. As I was changing and putting on a sanitary pad, blood was gushing out and I was already starting to mourn the loss of my little bean. I felt so angry for having that crash, even guilty. As we were driving to the hospital I cried the loss of this little being, I felt a terrible weight knowing that was my child and he didn't even have the chance to be born. I'd never felt this type of sadness before, it was different to anything I'd ever felt and was something very strong. A was scared and upset too. He hated to see me cry.
At accident and emergency the doctor saw me straight away. By the time I'd got into the room ready to be checked, there was blood everywhere. She visited me and I felt big blobs of blood come out. She told me I was going to lose a lot more blood and I was mentally preparing myself to have that D and C operation after a miscarriage. She finally did the scan. I didn't want to look at the screen, the image would probably scar me for life. I just looked at the doctor's face. She was really kind and understanding. She said 'the baby is fine, here he is.' I incredulously looked at the screen and it was the first time I'd seen the baby move. He was moving his tiny arms and legs and that image filled my heart with warmth and hope and the tenderness of seeing my little bean actually move around on the screen like a miniscule baby.
What was going on?
How could I be losing so much blood?
'You have an enormous detachment and you'll have to be admitted to have any chance of saving this pregnancy'
I was so relieved of the fact that my bean was still alive that I didn't care what I had to do, I actually welcomed the idea of staying in hospital. I knew it was very serious but all I could think of was how strong this little embryo was, hanging on by a thread, staying strong for his mummy!
A got told of the seriousness of my condition and he too was relieved but very worried. I was given a huge nappy to change into and had a lot of tests done. After taking a lot of blood too they put me on a drip and gave me medicine to help stop the bleeding. I was very weak and was taken to the ward on a wheelchair and told to rest. I was in a room with five other women, all of whom had given birth except for the girl in the bed next to me who was also on a drip and was heavily pregnant. For some reason I didn't feel scared or homesick. I knew this would be my home for a while now. A had gone home and I layed down on the bed and stared at the big crucifix which hung above the window. I felt so lucky that beany was alive.
*In English the diagnosis is 'subchorionic hematoma' and can occur commonly in pregnancy. In my case this was at a very serious stage, it measured 9cm and I was at the point of miscarriage on admittance into hospital.

The accident

Living in Rome, getting from A to B is a nightmare, like in any big city, I presume. I used to live in the historical centre, that wasn't too bad due to the limited traffic zone but still getting anywhere else in the city would prove problematic. One of the downsides to Rome is the traffic. In an average Roman family, every family member has a car and even to go half a mile down the road, they use it. Roads are congested, the driving is ludicrous and one of the things you'll surely remember about your trip to Rome (if you've ever been) is how often and how furiously you hear car horns pomping!


I currently live just outside Rome and to get into the city I take a main road which is quite narrow, full of curves and all the maniacs seem to be allured to it. Every day you'll see bunches of flowers strapped to fences and walls and lampposts and every day you'll be sure to see police cars and ambulances at the scene of a crash. Quite a dangerous road you may be thinking, well it is but somehow when you need to get somewhere you seem to just take it without thinking.

Well on this treacherous road on the 12th Jan I was driving into Rome. The cars were going at a reasonable speed, I had the radio turned up, probably singing to it too. All I can remember is seeing the car in front right in front of mine and it had stopped all of a sudden. I put my foot on the brake as hard as I could and my car came to a screeching halt. I heroically missed even bumping into the car in front. Within a split second, though, I felt the impact from behind of those speeding cars that didn't have time to stop and one after another hit into each other in a chain reaction. It was a violent impact, something I'd rather not remember. My head was spinning and my neck felt as if it had detached from my shoulders.

A took me to the hospital. All I was worried about was that embryo. My child. I desperately desperately didn’t want anything to have happened to it. I wasn’t bleeding so that made me optimistic, but I feared for the worst.

The doctor dimmed down the lights, squeezed that blue gel onto my thin stomach and started the scan. She looked at the screen attentively. After a few seconds she said ‘there’s the heartbeat’. I breathed a sigh of relief. ‘But the sac has detached two centimetres from the womb in two places’. I didn’t really know what this meant, but I imagined. She looked terribly pessimistic. I felt sick.

‘I’m afraid you’ll have to bed rest, it’s the only thing you can do to save the pregnancy’.

I asked what the probability was that the pregnancy would go ahead. ‘I really can’t say, it either will or it won’t’

She asked me if I wanted to stay overnight at the hospital so they could monitor this detachment but she said it was optional and that I might actually feel better going home and resting as at this stage of the pregnancy it was the only thing I could do. I was only 8 weeks pregnant and the embryo was still so small and weak. I decided to go home but I couldn’t stop crying. The feeling that I might lose this magical bean that had started living inside me made me awfully sad. I was relieved though that the bean was actually hanging on to its life and just knowing it was still alive gave me hope.

I went home, rang my parents and prepared to get into the place I’d become very familiar with for the next couple of weeks. My bed.

"No one can survive childhood without being wounded. Everyone remembers at least one time when their parents rejected them, pushed them away, even though they may have still been in the womb, blind, and unable to speak. That's why, as adults, we all look for someone to become our parents again, and for someone to look after us in times of need. And we search for a person to live with who can provide the companionship we so desperately want."



— Banana Yoshimoto

Healed by means of magic? Or Hormones? Totally smitten with being pregnant! Wow that feels good saying 'I'm pregnant'

After getting over the initial buzz of being in this entirely new 'phase' of my life I started to fantasize about life as a mother. It's quite strange because it only hits you when you are actually pregnant the way you look at motherhood, beforehand it's just like childish whim that comes over you and you just imagine holding a little baby like a little girl holding her doll. When you actually receive the news that you're expecting you start to consider all the other things about motherhood like 'responsibility' for a defenseless being 24 hours a day, seven days a week. It suddenly becomes 'real' but nevertheless something wonderful that makes you feel all sparkly inside.
One good physical result of my pregnancy is that I didn't experience too much of the annoying stuff at the beginning like violent morning sickness or dizziness. I actually had that good side effect you sometimes hear about, that radiant glow, softer smoother hair that after months of falling out when I took a shower now didn't fall out at all and became thicker and glossier... Please don't hate me!
After a few weeks of this new situation unbelievably my anxiety had started to fade away. I had suffered awfully for months. Doctors, pills, even tranquillisers didn't seem to work and I thought I'd be stuck with this debilitating problem for life, I was really stuck in a rut. What the hell had happened in my brain chemicals that I didn't feel that fear and dread anymore? I actually felt strong for the first time in months. Like I could handle anything. And in fact I did. After weeks of talking over with a psychologist my fear of taking an aeroplane again after having a bad time I felt like I could do it. Without any medical aids. I took the plane to England and I managed to handle it perfectly. I was over the moon. This tiny being growing inside me had given me the strength to face my fears. I just thought I had to protect him and the thought of somebody actually 'needing' you is one of the most powerful feelings you'll ever experience. I couldn't do anything that would harm this defenseless being so I got over my own fears.
I felt so much better. Was it some magical hormone released in your body when you become pregnant or was it something higher, more spiritual?
So after going for all the medical appointments and scans everything seemed to be evolving perfectly. A was as happy as me and my parents too. Friends were ecstatic. My life was taking a turn for the better.

What do you remember about the first instant you found out you were pregnant?

Were you expecting it?
What did you do?
How long had you been TTC?

It couldn't possibly be.. could it?

A day passed by and I still had the same symptoms, and the same inkling but one not good sign.. menstrual cramps. That's it, I thought, I'm not pregnant after all, how can I be when I can feel my period coming on? So as per usual I just waited to see those first spots of blood (that usually made me cry). After another few days of waiting  I thought something really must be amiss and I started to get my hopes up. I couldn't wait any longer. I had to get that dreaded pregnancy test.
I waited until the morning after to take it for a proper result. Hope and fear were blowing up inside me at the thought of a) a positive result and the consequences or b) a negative result and the consequences.
I was sure to find that one lonely line and was ready to jump back into bed and start crying but I decided to wait a full 5 minutes to give it the chance to work properly and give me 5 minutes of extra hope. I couldn't resist the wait, I looked straight away to see that one line slowly become darker and darker. But there wasn't just one line getting darker, both lines were at the same pace! The pregnancy line was just as dark as the other! I remember screaming, my heart beating like mad, pacing up and down the whole house laughing and crying at the same time. I have to ring A!

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A rough start

'It surely couldn't be' I thought to myself that cold day in November as I was walking around the shopping centre with my loved one. It had been a stressful month, even more so than last month, trying to cope with anxiety attacks, the result of the stressful events my life lately had thrown at me. Those things I thought I was strong enough to cope with, actually had grown out of proportion and were torturing me in the form of terrifying panic attacks and general anxiety. I consider myself as being an emotional but strong person capable of handling anything life throws at me and making it into something easy and nice. I've always been a fighter and always had to fight against some difficult situation always to come through the other end relatively unscarred (despite accumulated stress which always reared it's ugly head after a while in a form of anxiety). So the first thing you should know is that my life has been like a crazy rollercoaster ride full of ups, beautiful, exciting, nauseating ups; and downs, down as far down as you can imagine. One good aspect of being me though is that I'm sensible and level-headed, so even in the worst of situations I've never done anything that I knew would harm me long term even when surrounded by naughty things that could have allured a weaker person.
One of my salvations was him, A. My true love. A loving and affectionate man that swept me under his wing just at the right time in my life. The only downside to A was that he had a past. An ex wife, freshly seperated with a child. But with the love I had for this man, nothing else mattered, as long as we were together.
Getting back to where we were, I didn't think something like this could ever happen. After 6 months of actively trying and each period as punctual as your landlord waiting to be paid, I finally had the inkling that I may be pregnant. By this time I knew my body perfectly, ovulation tests weren't necessary as I instinctively knew when I was fertile by my bodily changes. My period was a day late and the thing that had me most suspicious was the fact my boobs were still tender. That tenderness faded away about a week before my cycle began.
So walking around the shopping centre on that cold day of November, I cautiously thought 'I could be pregnant...' and a whirlwind of hope lit up inside me.

"Love is the kind of thing that's already happening by the time you notice it, that's how it works, and no matter how old you get, that doesn't change. Except that you can break it up into two entirely distinct types -- love where there's an end in sight and love where there isn't."
— Banana Yoshimoto (Goodbye Tsugumi)


For those of you who feel that strong bond that binds you. For those of you who feel a strong sense of protection towards someone who isn't even here yet. For those of you who feel this experience of being pregnant as one of the most beautiful sensations life has to offer. This blog is for you