Baby swimming lessons.

Last Wednesday Flavio started his first activity at just 3 months! It's advised by pediatricians everywhere and I kept hearing of these Mummy and baby swimming lessons. I just had to get enrolled on a course here in Rome firstly because I was afraid baby was building up a fear of water after those screaming bath times and secondly because I thought it would be good to get him doing an activity early on also because I worry that he sometimes becomes bored at home with the same games all the time. I was looking forward to doing this for ages, I couldn't wait to see baby in his miniature trunks splashing around! I thought it would be good to meet other Mums too in the area seeing as here in Italy they don't seem to have Mother and baby groups. Well I really enjoyed it and Flavio enjoyed it so much, it made me well up; the happiness I saw in those big eyes!

I arrived at the pool and Daddy was searching for a parking space so we rushed straight into the gym as it was freezing cold outside. Flav had been fed and changed so I was sure he'd be ok and not cranky.

We quickly got undressed in the changing rooms that were fully equipped for babies; a row of changing mats, a box for older babies and lockers for our belongings. A lady came and held you as she led me into the pool area and there they told me to have a shower next to the pool to ensure hygiene. Flavio stayed on one of the girl's laps in his trunks looking quite sheepish! Like he was kind of saying 'this is new, mummy's left me with someone else!' I went to have the shower and came back and they told me to get into the pool. It was lovely and warm! Just the right temperature for temperature-sensitive babies like mine! I knew he hated to feel cold. The girl lowered Flavio into the water into my arms. He didn't flinch at all, he was just amused and wide-eyed taking in his surroundings. She told me to pour water over his head every so often to get him used to water getting into his eyes which it inevitably will while in the pool. There were little dishes around the sides. The coach approached me from the other end of the pool and explained to me the two moves that we'd be doing today. On his front where I hold him under his arms and chest and he bobs up and down as if trying to do a breast stroke, (the way Flavio did it appeared more like a butterfly stroke he was so excited) and on his back where I hold his head on my shoulder and my hand over his chest and drag him backward as if to do a back stroke.

Even before starting the moves I could tell he loved it, his eyes were lit up and he was the only baby in the pool actually screaming with glee, at one point I felt moved by it. A finally made it to see a bit of the lesson and he took a few photos and videos. There were little rubber toys scattered about in the pool too and some tubes that I could wrap under his arms and pull him about on. He loved every bit of it. We spoke to another couple of Mums and babies and Flavio was too busy trying to swim about in the pool that one baby was particularly interested in him trying to poke him and babble to him and I was trying to get Flavio to look but I couldn't. There are seven of us in the group six boys and a little girl. She's five and a half months and is really tiny but very cute. Flavio was looking at her (!)

We were assisted even in getting out of the pool and getting dried. We got into a shower together and a girl came and took Flavio off me and dried him for me. She finished off drying him with a tube of warm air and he was looking at me with an amused look on his face. He was so funny.
 
After all that splashing about he was famished! And Daddy was waiting for us in the bar where Mummy got a nice cappuccino and brioche!

First holiday in Florence!

Last weekend we went to Florence and stayed in a beautiful hotel in the Chianti hills surrounded by Cypress trees and vineyards. Flavio was so good! He slept in the car on the way there, he slept through the night til 8am when we woke up and stayed awake in his pushchair during the day while we walked through the streets of Florence only eating at 4 -5 hour intervals as he was so absorbed in his new surroundings.
This isn't his first trip. I took him to England with me on my own when he was just 2 months old. I took him on the plane with me and he was so good even then. He slept through the whole plane journey and didn't cry at all. He went to visit his grandparents for a couple of weeks who had bought him so many things and were so excited to see him him again after the birth. It was quite empowering doing all that on my own, kind of like 'who needs men' empowering. I'm glad he's travelled at such a young age as I'd really like to take him on many jouneys with me throughout his childhood to help him grow into an experienced, educated person.
Well he enjoyed Florence, he even looked up at the statue of David by Michelangelo and Mummy and Daddy had a good time too.

3 months old and growing too fast!

He's making one progress after another and with every new thing he does I get so emotional even at something really small like trying to grab for a toy instead of me giving it to him.
According to the milestones he's an 'advanced' baby but he's also quite big for his age. I do however try to stimulate him in as many ways I can: I read him books (material books and books with sounds) and he does actually listen and smile and kick when the intonation in my voice changes or when he hears the funny sounds and I try to get him to feel the different materials on the fabric book. He has a good concentration span for a 3 month old!
One of his biggest accomplishments and one that I was waiting for for a while is him touching objects (using his hands). The first time I noticed he started regarding his hands as part of his body is when he finally started to be able to put them in his mouth and suck on his fists, but that is all he would use them for. I couldn't wait to see him actually grab a toy or even hold it for a few seconds but he didn't seem interested when I held a toy to him. It was about a couple of weeks ago when we noticed he regarded his hands as the things to 'feel with' and not just to suck on.
We'd just got back from doing the shopping and I'd put Flavio down on the sofa propped up between the cushion and the arm of the sofa and I'd started to put the bags away. I realised something was different... instead of his usual grumpy squeals when I'd put him down there was silence. I walked back into the living room to check on him and I saw what was happening. He was running his fingers across the embroidered flowers on the cushion and looking intently at them. He was repeating this motion again and again and I knew he'd just discovered his little fingers! After this incident whenever we put the cushion next to him, he would do the same procedure. It was so cute watching him discover this new 'trick' and ever since then he's become more and more confident and now he can grip his toys and put them to his mouth and this morning I even caught him reaching up and holding on to a dangling penguin in his baby gym. He'd lose the toy out of his grip and then slowly and cautionately aim for the penguin again! It seems like such a small step but I think he's Einstein! It must be all those maternal hormones from breastfeeding!
He's even starting baby talk, he ooos and aaahs and even says syllables baaaa and maaaa and naaaa.. I love watching him 'talk' and those funny little expressions he has on his face when trying to get his message across!
Flavio's a little champion!

A few days old

My new baby! A happy and healthy Flavio changes my life forever!

He's now two and a half months old and we are so happy for having our beautiful baby boy with us. He gets compliments everywhere he goes. He's beautiful, perfectly proportioned with big alert blue eyes, a button nose and full red lips. He's a good baby even though he still feeds various times throughout the night. He smiles a lot a beautiful wide, toothless, contagious smile and he loves being held and talked to. He even tries to talk back already!
He's a really masculin baby with a powerful cry and strong limbs. He goes crazy if you lie him flat down, stamping his little feet and flapping his arms with such vigour! His face makes me laugh as he does this as it looks as if he's about to take off he's so excited!
He's breastfed too. I wanted to give him the best start in life after all he'd been though. My miracle baby boy is a little sweetheart.

Flavio is here! Born on the 20th August 2010. My precious angel is in his Mummy's arms.

I haven't written for a while as, understandibly there's been a lot to do! But I'm delighted to say that my darling baby has arrived and he is as gorgeous and angelic as I imagined, I couldn't have wished for a cuter baby. I'm tired from the night feedings but I love the feeling of being a Mummy and having a son.
Flavio is a happy and healthy baby and is much loved by all around him.
It all started on the 19th August, I was having light menstrual cramps and had an inkling that it might be the start of something but I'd been having a few contractions for a few days and thought they might just be braxton hicks or something, but at 4am I was woken up with what felt like proper period pains. I realised they might be contractions and A especially thought something was happening and so he started timing them. As I thought they were irregular and so I just wanted to go back to sleep but as I put my head back down on the pillow I got a strong period pain that lasted a few seconds. A started to get up out of bed and wanted to go to the hospital already but I wanted to wait as they told us at the antenatal course until they were 5 minutes apart. I tried to get back to sleep but I suddenly got an even stronger period pain that this time was quite painful and after this I agreed with A to go to the hospital. I sent a message to my parents because they wanted to know exactly when my contractions started, (they were as absorbed in this pregnancy as A and I). They wished me good luck and off we drove to the hospital.
 I had a few contractions in the car, but nothing like the big one I'd had previously at home. I was really excited thinking Flavio was on his way but I was very nervous and a part of me thought that it might be false labour too.
When we arrived at the hospital they put me on the fetal monitoring machine and surprisingly regular contractions were showing up even though I wasn't feeling them as much as I was at home (they weren't painful). I felt quite lucky as the woman next to me who was 38 was at 41+2 and still no sign of labour. Her monitor showed no contractions and she had to be admitted due to the late gestation. We started to talk a little and she was actually quite nice, she was making me laugh and the fact the laughs that I emitted showed up on the monitor made me laugh even more I just couldn't contain myself but it lightened up the situation a bit so I was happy. A was waiting eagerly outside in the waiting room. He was excited too. I have to say that looking back at this event it was one of the most exciting things in my life a bit like the anticipation for a holiday only multiplied by 10! I look on it with such awe and happiness in my heart, the birth of my little boy.

When the doctor read the result he said there were signs of labour but it wasn't actually active labour and seeing as I was dilated 2-3 cms he said I could decide whether to be admitted or not. I spoke to A about this. He said it was best for me to be admitted, my mum thought it was the best thing to stay in hospital seeing as I had the chance of being admitted and having a bed and like that they would do regular monitoring. I was just worried because the doctor said it could be a matter of days before the labour picked up. I didn't want to wait in a hospital bed for days before I gave birth! I mulled things over and agreed with A and went to tell them my decision. I suddenly felt so anxious as it hit me that I wouldn't be leaving the hospital without my baby in my arms! The doctor ordered me to walk around the hospital grounds to bring on the contractions. It was a lovely sunny hot august morning and the hospital had some beautiful gardens and a little chapel which A and I enjoyed walking around. It was kind of hard to walk as by now I felt so heavy and a leg kept giving way but still I enjoyed walking thinking it wasn't long til I see my baby!
When I couldn't walk any longer we went back in the hospital to have breakfast together.. cappuccino and cornetto! The typical Italian breakfast. It was around this time that I finally lost my mucous plug and it was quite disgusting. I didn't imagine it to be so big! Like an organ! I know quite gross but a major piece of information as labour sets in shortly after losing the plug.
A accompanied me to my ward and put my hospital bag away in my cupboard and was so sweet with me. He then went home to get changed and bring me some supplies of food and juices. I was taken to have blood tests, was shaved and then settled into my bed and tried to get some sleep as I was up since four a.m. I laid there for a while wishing on the contractions but they had slowed down and stopped! I was told this was normal and it can happen only to have them come back in a matter of days. I didn't want to stay in hospital for a matter of days!! After about an hour or so I was called to have another NST but was told to go into the labour room as there was no room at the emergency room.
The labour room was really technological with allsorts of modern machines and was really clean and new looking. A midwife hooked me up and gave me the controller for the bed, I could move it up or down as I liked. It was so much better than having the NST in the emergency room! The woman who I was talking to previously was in the labour room next to mine, coincidentally she was in the bed next to mine in the maternity ward too! The monitoring started at 16:16 on the 19th August. I familiarised myself with the room, taking it in all. I imagined how many women had gone into labour in that room. I was anxious but excited and when I finally had a painful contraction and slowly but surely the contractions were showing up and were quite regular I realised this was it. They weren't all painful but an odd contraction would come along and take my breath away with the pain. After all the wondering what a contraction would be like, I can finally describe it perfectly: an excrutiating period pain. Some people feel it all the way around their abdomen and in their back but I just felt them at the front and when they started getting bad I wanted to tell the midwife who came in to check on me every 10 minutes or so. My friend had been taken off the NST with no contractions and came to see me. When I told her that I was having bad pains she got me the midwife. She wished me luck and went back to the ward and I was left there on my bed in the labour room finally going into labour. 
I sent a message to A saying that I'd had a big painful contraction again and he called me straight away saying that he was on his way to the hospital, I asked him if he thought this was it and he said yes. I couldn't actually take in the fact it was finally happening after what seemed like years of waiting!
I was getting really nervous as I was so used to be getting sent away from the NST and going home but this time I was staying in there hooked up, I wouldn't be going home this time! The nurse was so calm, she was so used to this, but I was very nervous.
The midwife checked my dilation and said I was nearing a 4 and asked me if I was having an epidural. I said I was. I decided to have one after feeling the pain of the contractions because I realised I wasn't one of those lucky ones who didn't feel all that much pain and say labour is easy. I wanted to have the needle inserted when A was with me so I asked if I could have him with me!
A finally turned up after I'd had the drip needle put in my arm and after they'd called the anaesthetist to come and do my epidural. The nurse passed by my room and told me A was outside waiting impatiently to come in and they'd given him his green hat and shirt to get into whilst waiting. I don't know why he had to wait. I ended up having the epidural before he got in. I was quite nervous about it and I held onto the nurse that was stood in front of me for comfort as the anaesthetist inserted first a small needle which I felt just as a prick and then she told me to stay very still as she inserted the larger needle. I felt it go through the nerves in my spine and even though I wouldn't describe it as painful it made me go queasy as it was a strange sensation.
She said I would feel the benefit within 10 minutes of it. Shortly after I had another huge breath taking contraction and I was so glad I got the epidural as it was so painful, an undescribable pain that everyone tells you that goes through childbirth.
Slowly but surely the pain eased away and I discovered how amazing the epidural was. I saw the contractions showing up on the monitor but didn't actually feel the pain. I was just talking to A sat on the bed as my contractions were getting stronger. Seeing them so close together and strong on the machine I wondered how I would've coped without the epidural.
Luckily one of the trainee midwives that I'd got to know a little towards the end of my pregnancy showed up on her shift just as I was about 4 hours into my labour. My anxiety lessened a little knowing that she was now there looking after me. We hugged and talked a little and A was still sat calmly on the bed chatting with us. My water bag still hadn't broken and was slowing down the labour process so a couple of nurses came to try and break it. They inserted a thin plastic rod thing inside and said it was a very strong bag as it was resisting their attempts to break it! When it finally broke I didn't feel anything nor did I want to see them cleaning up the remains of amniotic liquid. Apparently labour was progressing well after that.
After a while a senior midwife came in and checked my dilation, she said I was about an 8 and to start squatting by the bed to help the head come down into the birth canal. I did as she said. She told me to look at the monitor and to see when a contraction is coming and to gently push as if I was going to the toilet!
This is where the panic started. I started to feel pain again as my epidural had finished as I saw the contractions coming on the screen I was feeling tremendous pain in my abdomen. The senior midwife said that I couldn't have another epidural as I needed to feel the pain to be able to push well at the end. But the pain was starting to get excrutiating! From here my nice fairytale labour started to turn into a nightmare.
I was for what seemed like an eternity trying to push the head down into the birth canal they kept on checking me and pulling a face as if to say 'no there's something not right here' but they weren't actually telling me anything they were just talking amongst themselves. There was a young pretty midwife with dark hair and big brown eyes that I'll always remember who took over from this part onwards. She had red cherry earrings and I just remember keep looking into those big brown eyes with long lashes wishing she would say I was nearly finished but she just kept on checking me and trying to manoeuvre the head with her hands and whispering to her colleagues who were all sat on my bed taking part. Time was passing by and I was still in agony and still being prodded and poked and having the same perplexed looks. I was panicking so much that I was trying to find a position in which the pain subsided a little but nothing worked. I ended up staggering in circles next to the bed with all the wires attached to me and I remember the midwives shouting at me to get back on the bed but their voices were going in one ear and going out the other. They just seemed like a blur even though they were shouting quite assertively. A was saying 'what are you doing?' and I just replied 'I can't take it anymore, please do something!'.
I finally got back onto the bed and tried staying on all fours the midwives said this was ok and said to really start pushing. But the pain was too excrutiating and pushing made it worse. I didn't understand. I'd always read about the desire to push being so strong and doing so made you feel better. I had no desire and pushing just amplified the pain. I turned around and led on my side, I remember thinking I just want to curl up and die I wasn't bothered about the consequences I just wanted the pain to stop. I looked up at the crucifix hung on the wall and thought now I understand why they say women are born to suffer. The midwives were shouting at me to turn around onto my back but I just couldn't. I was crying and moaning and A got told to go outside as 'these aren't nice things to see'. They kept checking and prodding and poking and whispering and I was asking if there was something wrong but they didn't ever answer me. They just kept telling me to push as hard as I can. I've always been told that I have strong abdomen muscles and I have a flat stomach because I'm a sporty kind of person so I knew I could push very hard but I was being demoralised as every time I pushed like crazy I was being told it wasn't good enough. I realised the best thing to do was to push even if I was scared that my lungs were going to burst. Hours were passing by and I was still pushing still in excrutiating pain and without any pain relief. They'd even put me on an oxytocin drip to amplify the contractions even more, even though I had been told my contractions were perfect, strong and close together. I knew there was a problem. A was outside poking his head around the door every so often looking terribly worried. At one point I noticed the midwives looked a little more concerned than before and A was looking at the monitor machine. Our friend midwife who was stroking me and trying to help me noticed A looking and her words terrified me 'yes his heartbeat is raising, don't worry it'll be ok' Then I noticed on the screen and I was hearing the fast beats the heartrate was at 200 beats per minute. I was frantic. My legs were covered in blood and the bed sheets but there was no sign of this baby coming out. I was in such a state, exhausted and scared. At this point I started begging for pain relief. I was crying and begging my friend saying that I promised I'd push harder if they just gave me an epidural. The senior midwife heard and said 'NO, NO this baby has to be born! Tonight! Don't you want to see your son?'
As soon as she had left the room my friend called the anaesthetist to come and do another epidural and I felt SO relieved. As soon as I was given the epidural I continued to feel pain but it was getting more and more muffled and I could finally concentrate to push. I was told there WAS a problem and for some reason every time I pushed the baby would go back up again. There was something blocking the head. This baby was too big for me after all and I should've had a caesarean. I was screamed at to push as hard as I could and I remember pushing and my head feeling like it was going to explode along with my lungs. Finally I was told that if I pushed just a little harder they would let my partner come in and see the head. Wow! My baby's head! So there was some progress! I did another life threatening push and I saw A's face enlighten as he saw the head. A doctor was called in due to the complications and he checked me and then all of a sudden the midwives were putting their little hats on and the delivery room was being prepared. I was told to walk to the delivery room from my bed just a few metres away but I didn't care now I knew my baby was about to be born. Walking to the delivery room I felt his head in my birth canal and I kind of waddled there, a feeling I'll never forget the strangest thing ever! It was also a feeling of victory. I'd got that head there with my own strength despite the agony it took to get it there, despite the complications.
I sat up on that big delivery chair like it was a throne! Doctors and midwifes surrounded me and that big circular light was on me like a spotlight! 'PUSH!' they all said and I pushed another mighty push. I then saw the girl with the big brown eyes and red cherry earrings take what looked like hedge sheers and I knew I was about to be cut. This sent a rush of relief through me strangely enough. I knew I had to be cut to get him out. When she'd finished they shouted push again and all of a sudden the doctor who had checked me suddenly got on top of me and with his elbow strongly pushed down on my belly. I saw stars in front of my eyes as if I was about to pass out but I didn't. Then I saw what's probably the most moving image of my entire life. I saw his head pop out of me followed by his body and then taken away to a table next to me where I heard his cry for the first time! This was it! Flavio was here! A had seen the whole delivery and was crying. 'E' nato!' he said (he's born!) and I just remember being relieved to not feel that pain again. The placenta was delivered shortly after and I was given Flavio to hold for the first time after he had been cleaned up. He was wrapped in a dark green sheet and I remember feeling his warm heavy body on my chest. The most emotional thing was when I saw his little perfect face. He was looking right into my eyes, quiet and alert. It was as if he recognised his mother. The eye contact was beautiful, I felt so special. They then took him away. That was it. I had done it! I had given birth! I was shaking like a leaf but I felt so empowered knowing I'd done what is probably the hardest task on earth. He was born at 00:05 on the 20th August.
Luckily he survived another complication after that detachment. The labour I was told was a very difficult and risky one due to the baby's weight, he turned out to be 3.9kg which was over his estimated weight and the pushing stage was way too long. He risked his health but thanks to the doctor that did that awful manoeuvre pushing down on me he finally came out.
I was however very lucky because after my labour it was on the news that many women had had difficult labours like mine where their babies had suffered heart attacks causing irreversible damage. These stories frightened me knowing that that could have happened to me. My heart goes out to their families and I cannot even imagine how they feel.
I didn't sleep that night I just couldn't wait for them to wheel in my baby and look at him and hold him. I was also all tender and bruised and felt my stitches stinging me but the feeling of euphoria overrode everything.

38 + weeks

This has certainly been an eventful week! After doing my first NSTs (fetal monitoring) my baby was always the noisiest, the one moving around making the nurses sigh because they have to keep finding the heartbeat again when he flipped positions. It wasn't a surprise when they noticed he had an irregular heartbeat that went up and down. He constantly moves during the NST maybe he feels uncomfortable or gets stressed out because he doesn't know what's going on, those belts are always strapped on so tightly! Due to these irregular heartbeats I was told to retake the test many times only to be told that he was particularly active.
I even had a false alarm this week when A and I were returning from a meal with friends. I had pains at the top of my belly, it felt like the baby was winding me with his feet and the pain was making me cry out a little. I felt my belly getting hard and tensing up but this was way less uncomfortable than the winding feeling I got by those little active feet kicking around! So A decided to take me to the hospital.
They hooked me up to the NST machine again and to my surprise a few contractions were appearing. One contraction was actually quite strong as it measured 90 for a few seconds. The nurse told me 'it could be the start of labour, we'll have to see'.. this got me so excited, I wasn't at all anxious about labour I was just excited that it was finally happening. I told A, 'he's going to be born on the 5th!' and he got all excited too, he asked me if he should go and pick up my hospital bag.
They decided to give me an injection of Spasmex to stop contractions if it's false labour and indeed after waiting half an hour and taking the test again, my contractions had eased off. And back home we went. I was a little disappointed but I didn't mind, obviously Flavio needs a little more time in there.
My last NST was on Thursday and they had me coming back the next day due to this accelerated heartbeat again only to dismiss it as the baby moving a lot. The nurse noticed that my feet were swollen and decided to take my blood pressure. 140/100! She immediately told the doctor and he told her to take it again in ten minutes. She did so and confermed the result. She said it was particularly high and I had to take it again when I'd finished the test. The test was fine this time round,  he must've been sleeping for once. When she took my blood pressure it had gone down to 130/95 but said it was still high. The doctor sent me home with the prescription for some medicine. I decided to ring my gynecologist who immediately told me that the hospital should've admitted me straight away with blood pressure so high. She said that it was best for me to be induced as soon as possible.. This got me worried! She told me to go to another hospital where they were more likely to admit me and induce me. I hesitantly accepted and we headed to the other hospital. There they took my blood pressure which was still quite high but not worringly so and they hooked me up to yet another NST. I've had my fair share of fetal monitoring, that night I couldn't take it anymore, I just wanted to go home. There were a few contractions coming up on the result but the nurse said they were preparatory because they were irregular. After taking my blood pressure once again, it had gone down to 120/70 and so I was sent home. How stressful was that day! We decided to buy a blood pressure measuring home kit so I could monitor regularly but since then it has always been in the norm.
And we're back to playing the waiting game..!

37 weeks. FULL TERM!!!

I cannot believe I've got this far along! I've had contractions all the way through this pregnancy due to the detachment and this always made me think baby wants to leave me as early as possible! Well it's obviously not the case. I'm now 37 + 1 and Flavio seems like he doesn't want to budge, he seems to be comfortable in here! My gynecologist says he is bigger than average and if he doesn't make his appearance soon I'll risk having an emergency cesarean after hours of pushing with no luck. Unfortunately they don't induce here unless the baby is in distress so I'll have to get to at least 40 weeks before they take action. It was the last appointment we'll have with her, now I've just got fetal monitoring appointments and we're basically waiting for the contractions to come on.
My belly is enormous and heavy and I'm swelling up all over especially in my hands, my fingers are sore and I can't even move them in the morning! First I have to get the feeling back into them and then slowly move them softly until I can bend them and straighten them out.
What gets me is that I'm still hungry all the time which makes me wonder if this means he's still growing. He now weighs 3.6 kilos that's 8 lbs I think and that's probably all I could push out due to the size of me! I don't have childbearing hips, why is my baby so big?! I'm quite pleased in a way though, at least that means he's healthy!
Flavio, I've tried to get everything ready for you, Mummy's anxiously waiting to meet you and hold you in her arms.

36 + weeks

It's been another busy couple of weeks what with battling to get an appointment for fetal monitoring at the hospital and doing the last blood tests and salmonella tests required for both me and A (who is going to be present at the birth). We battled and we won. We've got it all done including the fetal monitoring which was one of the hardest tasks seeing as half of the expectant mothers in Rome are all trying to book them at this very hospital. I've got an appointment with my gynecologist Saturday where I'll be one day away from being 37 weeks and officially full-term!
It's all very exciting at the moment but at the same time the anxiety related to the actual birthing process is mounting up.. I'm quite nervous about labour and what to expect, everyone keeps on going on about how utterly agonising and painful it is: this really doesn't help! I can understand that it's going to be painful but all this emphasis on the pain is just making me terrified. I hadn't given labour a second thought until recently and all at once the anxiety of it all has set in. I'm going to do my breathing excercises that they taught us in my antenatal classes just to calm me down a bit!!!
So yesterday I had my first monitoring appointment. It was quite moving as it brought back a few memories of when I was in hospital and as I was going in to be scanned there they were, the 'full term pregnancy' women with their enviable big bellies going to be monitored whilst I was in a wheelchair with nothing but a tiny bit of swelling around my waist unable to move freely for fear of aborting. Now it was me the 'full time pregnancy' woman with a big belly confidantly walking over to the comfy bed and being attached to the monitoring machine and hearing a strong heart beat: that of my little baby, now as healthy as can be with no threats at all.
It was quite relaxing just led there on a reclinable chair in a big air conditioned room with four other women just enjoying the view of the hills from the wide windows at the other end of the room. Flavio probably wondered what was going on having those pads strapped tightly around him, he kept flipping around poor thing. The doctor then checked the printed off papers and said all was fine and to come back next week. No sign of contractions yet so apparently labour isn't imminent.
This week has been quite exciting as A and I are buying our family home. We've decided to stay where we are in the country just outside Rome. There are some beautiful villas here and being away from the chaos and pollution of Rome is priceless. We think we've decided on our future house. It's a new construction still being built. It has gardens and a terrace and I liked the fact it was very light inside. We haven't put in an offer yet but of all of the houses we've seen, this is our favourite and I'm already starting to dream about living there. Exciting times! A new house and a baby on the way...

34 weeks

34 + weeks!

What a week it has been! In and out of the chosen hospital doing test after test and booking fetal monitoring which I have to do once a week from 35 weeks.
It hasn't been easy. Rome is now in the middle of a lethal heatwave with temperatures soaring (over 40 degrees celcius) so going out in this climate is awful. I'm a sun-worshipper and I love warmer climates but anybody would be afraid of melting in this heat! It really is too hot.
I had an electrocardiogram which stated 'tachycardia' but this was due to the fact I was lying on my back (which pregnant women should never do) and I felt quite light headed and so my heartbeat went a little haywire. I also had the appointment for the epidural. The doctor explained in detail the procedure and all risks involved it was really quite scary I just wanted her to stop listing all these terrifying consequences as I was already feeling quite faint. After she'd finished A came in with my pregnancy files and we went over my blood analysis' and I got asked a few questions about general health and that of my family. I passed the tests and got written permission to have an epidural if I desired it. Yippee!
I had to have a general check up with a mid-wife and gynecologist from the hospital which went fine and now all there is left to do is book weekly fetal monitoring. We've tried on various occasions to book these but the hospital has so many patients you have to be lucky to get a place. We'll try again Monday morning and if there's no luck I'll have to book at a private clinic.
One of the most surprising events of the week was at my appointment with my private gynecologist. She calculated my baby's weight to be just over 3kg! That's much heavier than average, he should weight that when he's born! She did however finally admit that this being the case it could be that baby Flavio makes his appearance a little earlier than anticipated but of course it's impossible to know exactly.
We're starting to get excited about the birth now. I still can't imagine finally holding my baby for the first time, hearing his first cry as he's born, I just know it will be the most emotional event ever. I can't wait to kiss him and thank him for being such a little fighter and never giving up. I can't imagine how it will feel taking him home. A and I will be parents, Mother and Father! It just sounds like such an important role but I can't wait to enter into it.

33 + weeks!!

We're getting there, baby boy! I think you're going to be a strong little baby, those tiny feet are capable of some fierce karate kicks, are those elbows that I see rolling from one side of my bump to the other? One thing is for sure, you're very active and that's quite reassuring! The jabs in my ribcage are quite painful but it makes me smile thinking that jab is a miniature foot with tiny little nails on it, how cute is that?
I'm so blessed to have shared this experience with you baby boy we've been the closest any two people can ever be in that your life depends on me and strangely enough my life now depends on you. If I get ill, you get ill, if I die you die but on a more spiritual level if I'm happy you thrive off my happiness whereas if I'm upset I feel your distress. If I'm tired, you sleep and if I laugh you wriggle around contentedly. What a couple we are! Yet you don't know who I am nor I do you I just feel as though I have to protect you by all means, my little world now revolves around you, my heart beats for the survival of us both and my lungs are breathing enough oxygen for two, your little body is enclosed in mine and your soul is in my heart forever.
I'm now thinking about how you're going to be physically and personality-wise. I think you'll be fair haired like me but maybe you'll have golden skin like your father and maybe I'm biased but I think you'll be perfect! I think you'll be kind-hearted, have a big personality and hopefully you'll be confident and bright. You'll be bilingual like your Mummy but you'll be half-English and half-Italian I hope you'll acquire the best of both mentalities.
I'll do all I can to bring you up in the best way possible, you'll be my biggest joy and I want to teach you what I had to learn for myself the hard way. I'm not going to be over-protective, I want you to live all your experiences to the maximum but I'll be keeping my eye on you! I want you to be well-mannered and educated but worldly wise and able to understand and empathise with people from all walks of life. I realise you'll be who you are and I will only be able to advise you but I'll make sure you get the best start I can possibly offer you as your mother. You've given me so much joy already, it's the least I can do for my baby boy, my fantastic Flavio!

31 weeks

All I can feel is little feet kicking and moving in my ribs! Yesterday I went for my doctor's appointment and saw on the scan that Flavio is now head down. Scary! We're getting closer to that big day little one! I have to admit that since he's been head down I've found it easier to breathe and have been a lot more comfortable as if he's not pushed up against all my vital organs!
He's also growing rather quickly according to the gynecologist because he weighs 1950g so I have to eat less carbohydrates. I'm still skinny but he takes everything I eat! Haha a fetus on a diet!

30 weeks!

I don't know why but this seems like such an important milestone! I feel as though I'm in the real 'safe zone' now. My bronchitis has cleared up and I'm starting to pack my hospital suitcase, how exciting! I just love choosing his daily outfits and placing them neatly in their cellophane bags! I enjoyed washing and ironing them too! Seeing the drying rack as a blue haze of miniature clothes was so sweet.
Going for a pizza tonight with friends, what to wear with this big protruding belly!?!
Flavio is as active as ever, he's getting so big now that sometimes it hurts when he kicks! He also stretches a lot too and a little hand or foot sticks out of my belly causing it to go all misshapen for a few seconds. I recognise all of his movements that range from hiccups to rolling over, I've become so attuned to him in these months and soon it'll all be over! He'll be out of here, out of my body! Well, he might leave my womb, but he'll never leave my heart. Looking forward to meeting you, dear Flavio! Happy 30 weeks! We didn't think we'd get this far did we not?!

29 weeks!

Well I've made it to 29 weeks and can finally write in present tense! 29 weeks today! We are so excited. A is assembling the cot as I'm typing. Unfortunately I've got bronchitis, a terrible cough and have been prescribed antibiotics. It's been really violent for the last couple of days but today seems to be a bit better. Fingers crossed!
We've decided to call the baby Flavio. Flavio Emanuele. He is half Italian after all and living in Italy we thought it'd be better for him to have an Italian name.
I've enjoyed life being back to normal, being able to go out and show off my bump, now it really is exciting. Even my contractions seem to have completely disappeared. I still have to take medication morning and night though for contractions as the doctor explained that my womb had never had a chance to relax as during the detachment period it was constantly contracting due to the blood inside and now could still have a tendency to contract so to be on the safe side these pills keep them away.
Well, I'm off to have dinner, Flavio is kicking away and the cot has been assembled. I will put some pics up soon hopefully!

Bed rest!

I spent the next two or three weeks on absolute bed rest just getting up to go to the toilet. It was boring, I must admit, but all I was bothered about during this period was that my baby was alive and well. I was prepared to go to any lengths to save him. We'd  been through a lot, but this baby boy was a fighter and was going from strength to strength. What's a few weeks of bed rest when it comes to ensuring the well being of your child?
I had a list of programmes on TV lined up every day and I began crocheting, a hobby that I discovered I really like and still do to this day. A made my meals and when he went to work he left me things to eat by my bedside. Sometimes friends would come to visit, it was a bit embarrassing being in bed but it definitely made me happier to see people and be able to chat for a while.
At about 14 weeks, I was so happy to notice my belly was growing, it was a sign baby bean was ok and he was growing. Things were going so well. I had my appointment with my gynecologist this week too and couldn't wait to find out if the detachment had gotten any smaller.
The Saturday morning of my appointment I got out of bed and cautiously started to dress. I was afraid any sudden movement might harm him or make him tear from the womb again. A waited for me and was anxious too. As I leant forward to put my shoes on I felt something gush out of me. I was terrified. As I looked I was horrified to see blood. Black thick blood. Again my heart started pounding, I was sure this meant it was the end. I didn't know whether it was better to go straight to the hospital seeing as I suspected it was a miscarriage. A said we should go to the gynecologist anyway as she was just around the corner. I put on a pad and headed for the door, imagining having that dreaded operation after a miscarriage.
At the clinic we told the gynecologist what had happened, she sympathised a little and said she would be with us straight away. After a minute or so I was lying on that dreaded chair waiting to see the gynecologist's reaction first before looking at the screen. I remember saying 'please don't tell me anything bad' and she replied 'I'm not going to tell you anything bad!' which calmed me a little.
'He's fine' she said, and I looked at the screen and saw the little baby swish around nonchalantly. I suddenly burst into tears once again having suspected the baby to be dead. The doctor sympathised and understood what I must be going through. I didn't care, beany boy was alive.
The blood was due to the baby growning and pushing out the old blood from the big bruise. I was prescribed even more bed rest and after a week or so had to go back to see the doctor because I was still losing blood which was redder in appearance. It was a constant stress, I was constantly worrying about what was happening in there. I was finally prescribed daily injections of blood thinner, which I had to do myself in my thighs. I took it in turns with A.
At about 18 weeks the  pregnancy was finally classed as a physiological pregnancy, or a 'normal pregnancy' as my bleeding had completely stopped and the detachment had completely healed and to everyone's disbelief including doctors and nurses I had made a complete recovery. What a relief to not have the words 'threatened miscarriage' written on every doctors note anymore. It was an emotional event the first time I had a scan and was given the all clear. They confirmed we were expecting a boy and week after week we saw his cute little body grow at the scans. He started to become a really active baby and kicked all the time. I think this was his way of calming his mummy to let her know he's ok but of course we will never know!
The day I had the special scan to check organs and limbs were developing properly I cried too I don't even know why. The joy of seeing my baby was immense. Baby boy was fine, he was devoloping perfectly and to our amazement he was a couple of weeks ahead of his dates due to his size and weight. From this moment on I could enjoy the pregnancy and finally relax. Phew. God really does answer prayers.

The first night in hospital wasn't as bad as I thought. I was on a drip and it was hard to find a position to sleep in with a needle stuck in my arm. I'd spoken to the lady in the bed next to me and she'd explained a bit about hospital life, she was really nice and that made me feel at ease, also the fact that she'd been there already for ten days somehow made me feel better. Lights went out at midnight and I just couldn't sleep. I had bad neck ache, the pillow was hard. I had to tell A to bring me my pillow from home. Just four hours later lights went on and I could hear clanging noises as is something was being brought into our rooms.. They were tiny metal cots on wheels all with newborns inside crying and hungry. The nurses had brought them in to be breastfed by their mothers. I hadn't realised at first that I would be sleep deprived too being in hospital, but I was in the maternity ward after all.
It was like this every day, I was woken every four hours during the night as the newborns were brought in. I didn't mind too much, especially because during the day I was only led down in my bed and would drift off and sleep a lot anyway. A came in at all visiting times, sometimes he would bring me something that I liked to eat if the hospital food wasn't that good during the day. I'd gotten to know the other women in the ward but every three days they would change and some other pregnant woman would come and take their place. I saw them come in, go into labour and be taken to give birth and come back in where they were brought their newborn babies. Only the one that was in the bed next to mine stayed and I felt as if I had a friend in her. I learned so much about labour, birth and breastfeeding in the time I was in hospital as these were the main subjects of conversation. I got so expert that sometimes I gave the new arrivals my pearls of knowledge if ever they had a problem. It was actually nice having the company and seeing so many newborn babies every day.
Sometimes I would get quite down during my stay as the detachment didn't seem to be getting any better. The doctors said that it would take a long time for there to be any sign of an improvement but that I should be happy for the fact I hadn't lost him yet. I got taken to have a scan every day. They'd take me on a wheelchair to the scan room. A lot of the time it was a different doctor who did the scan and all they'd say was how enormous this detachment was. Once I got told that my amniotic fluid levels were low but this was ruled out the next day. I was put through so much stress that every day before having the scan I would be so nervous thinking maybe it was the day that I'd hear his heartbeat had stopped and that my bean wasn't alive. They did tell me this was a possibilty. Sometimes I'd lose liquid and get really distressed thinking I was leaking amniotic fluid, but every time the nurses did the PROM test and reassured me it wasn't amniotic fluid. One fine day about 11 days later I was having my daily scan and the doctor said there was sign of improvement, the detachment was 'rearranging itself' and had got smalled by a few millimetres. On hearing this news I felt like I was in heaven. It gave me so much confidence and I felt so proud of my child thinking how brave and strong he actually was. On the same day, the same doctor told me that I was expecting a little boy and this bit of news made me so emotional, it was a little boy in there fighting for his life, my son!
After a while I got taken off the drip, which made me quite nervous as I was worried the contractions could come back. Having so much blood in the womb irritated it and caused contractions but the doctors said I could stop the drip and go onto regular injections.
A few days later I asked if I could go home and even though the doctor who was following my case said he would recommend staying in another week or two he said I could go home as long as I promised to stay on bed rest. I promised and A came to pick me up. My legs felt like jelly as I tried to walk out of the hospital but I was so happy at the thought of coming home. Walking out of the hospital I actually felt a bit of nostalgia, I missed the people who had lived this major event of my life with me for these weeks I'd been admitted!

Have you had any pregnancy complications or thought you had?

Pregnancy is such a joyous time and when you think there maybe a problem it can be really scary thinking you may lose that precious being. Tell us about yours.

Losing him

A couple of weeks passed by and I was obediently taking it easy. The first week I bed rested completely. I went to see my gynecologist after this first week of bed rest and she confirmed the big ugly detachment. She said it was like a big bruise behind the amniotic sac and contained blood which needed to be absorbed for the pregnancy to go ahead. Fortunately it seemed to have shrunk a tiny bit by about two millimetres so I was delighted and thought that this was the start of my recovery.
I spent the following week resting a lot but I sat down at the table to study sometimes (I had two exams coming up) and cooked being careful not to lift heavy weights or stay stood up too long. It was very boring but I did it with pleasure for my little bean. I needed him to stay in there and stay strong as he had done that unfortunate day. He survived the car crash, his little heart had carried on pumping regardless of the consequences, regardless of the fact half of his 'home' had been separated from the womb. I was so proud of him!
I carried on taking things slowly and waiting for my next appointment. One particular day I was sat reading some of the posts on my birth group on the computer and A was cooking lunch. To my horror, I suddenly realised I was bleeding. It was bright red blood and it started off as a few drops. I was overcome with dread and horror. I was having a miscarriage. I told A and he prepared straight away to take me to the hospital. As I was changing and putting on a sanitary pad, blood was gushing out and I was already starting to mourn the loss of my little bean. I felt so angry for having that crash, even guilty. As we were driving to the hospital I cried the loss of this little being, I felt a terrible weight knowing that was my child and he didn't even have the chance to be born. I'd never felt this type of sadness before, it was different to anything I'd ever felt and was something very strong. A was scared and upset too. He hated to see me cry.
At accident and emergency the doctor saw me straight away. By the time I'd got into the room ready to be checked, there was blood everywhere. She visited me and I felt big blobs of blood come out. She told me I was going to lose a lot more blood and I was mentally preparing myself to have that D and C operation after a miscarriage. She finally did the scan. I didn't want to look at the screen, the image would probably scar me for life. I just looked at the doctor's face. She was really kind and understanding. She said 'the baby is fine, here he is.' I incredulously looked at the screen and it was the first time I'd seen the baby move. He was moving his tiny arms and legs and that image filled my heart with warmth and hope and the tenderness of seeing my little bean actually move around on the screen like a miniscule baby.
What was going on?
How could I be losing so much blood?
'You have an enormous detachment and you'll have to be admitted to have any chance of saving this pregnancy'
I was so relieved of the fact that my bean was still alive that I didn't care what I had to do, I actually welcomed the idea of staying in hospital. I knew it was very serious but all I could think of was how strong this little embryo was, hanging on by a thread, staying strong for his mummy!
A got told of the seriousness of my condition and he too was relieved but very worried. I was given a huge nappy to change into and had a lot of tests done. After taking a lot of blood too they put me on a drip and gave me medicine to help stop the bleeding. I was very weak and was taken to the ward on a wheelchair and told to rest. I was in a room with five other women, all of whom had given birth except for the girl in the bed next to me who was also on a drip and was heavily pregnant. For some reason I didn't feel scared or homesick. I knew this would be my home for a while now. A had gone home and I layed down on the bed and stared at the big crucifix which hung above the window. I felt so lucky that beany was alive.
*In English the diagnosis is 'subchorionic hematoma' and can occur commonly in pregnancy. In my case this was at a very serious stage, it measured 9cm and I was at the point of miscarriage on admittance into hospital.

The accident

Living in Rome, getting from A to B is a nightmare, like in any big city, I presume. I used to live in the historical centre, that wasn't too bad due to the limited traffic zone but still getting anywhere else in the city would prove problematic. One of the downsides to Rome is the traffic. In an average Roman family, every family member has a car and even to go half a mile down the road, they use it. Roads are congested, the driving is ludicrous and one of the things you'll surely remember about your trip to Rome (if you've ever been) is how often and how furiously you hear car horns pomping!


I currently live just outside Rome and to get into the city I take a main road which is quite narrow, full of curves and all the maniacs seem to be allured to it. Every day you'll see bunches of flowers strapped to fences and walls and lampposts and every day you'll be sure to see police cars and ambulances at the scene of a crash. Quite a dangerous road you may be thinking, well it is but somehow when you need to get somewhere you seem to just take it without thinking.

Well on this treacherous road on the 12th Jan I was driving into Rome. The cars were going at a reasonable speed, I had the radio turned up, probably singing to it too. All I can remember is seeing the car in front right in front of mine and it had stopped all of a sudden. I put my foot on the brake as hard as I could and my car came to a screeching halt. I heroically missed even bumping into the car in front. Within a split second, though, I felt the impact from behind of those speeding cars that didn't have time to stop and one after another hit into each other in a chain reaction. It was a violent impact, something I'd rather not remember. My head was spinning and my neck felt as if it had detached from my shoulders.

A took me to the hospital. All I was worried about was that embryo. My child. I desperately desperately didn’t want anything to have happened to it. I wasn’t bleeding so that made me optimistic, but I feared for the worst.

The doctor dimmed down the lights, squeezed that blue gel onto my thin stomach and started the scan. She looked at the screen attentively. After a few seconds she said ‘there’s the heartbeat’. I breathed a sigh of relief. ‘But the sac has detached two centimetres from the womb in two places’. I didn’t really know what this meant, but I imagined. She looked terribly pessimistic. I felt sick.

‘I’m afraid you’ll have to bed rest, it’s the only thing you can do to save the pregnancy’.

I asked what the probability was that the pregnancy would go ahead. ‘I really can’t say, it either will or it won’t’

She asked me if I wanted to stay overnight at the hospital so they could monitor this detachment but she said it was optional and that I might actually feel better going home and resting as at this stage of the pregnancy it was the only thing I could do. I was only 8 weeks pregnant and the embryo was still so small and weak. I decided to go home but I couldn’t stop crying. The feeling that I might lose this magical bean that had started living inside me made me awfully sad. I was relieved though that the bean was actually hanging on to its life and just knowing it was still alive gave me hope.

I went home, rang my parents and prepared to get into the place I’d become very familiar with for the next couple of weeks. My bed.

"No one can survive childhood without being wounded. Everyone remembers at least one time when their parents rejected them, pushed them away, even though they may have still been in the womb, blind, and unable to speak. That's why, as adults, we all look for someone to become our parents again, and for someone to look after us in times of need. And we search for a person to live with who can provide the companionship we so desperately want."



— Banana Yoshimoto

Healed by means of magic? Or Hormones? Totally smitten with being pregnant! Wow that feels good saying 'I'm pregnant'

After getting over the initial buzz of being in this entirely new 'phase' of my life I started to fantasize about life as a mother. It's quite strange because it only hits you when you are actually pregnant the way you look at motherhood, beforehand it's just like childish whim that comes over you and you just imagine holding a little baby like a little girl holding her doll. When you actually receive the news that you're expecting you start to consider all the other things about motherhood like 'responsibility' for a defenseless being 24 hours a day, seven days a week. It suddenly becomes 'real' but nevertheless something wonderful that makes you feel all sparkly inside.
One good physical result of my pregnancy is that I didn't experience too much of the annoying stuff at the beginning like violent morning sickness or dizziness. I actually had that good side effect you sometimes hear about, that radiant glow, softer smoother hair that after months of falling out when I took a shower now didn't fall out at all and became thicker and glossier... Please don't hate me!
After a few weeks of this new situation unbelievably my anxiety had started to fade away. I had suffered awfully for months. Doctors, pills, even tranquillisers didn't seem to work and I thought I'd be stuck with this debilitating problem for life, I was really stuck in a rut. What the hell had happened in my brain chemicals that I didn't feel that fear and dread anymore? I actually felt strong for the first time in months. Like I could handle anything. And in fact I did. After weeks of talking over with a psychologist my fear of taking an aeroplane again after having a bad time I felt like I could do it. Without any medical aids. I took the plane to England and I managed to handle it perfectly. I was over the moon. This tiny being growing inside me had given me the strength to face my fears. I just thought I had to protect him and the thought of somebody actually 'needing' you is one of the most powerful feelings you'll ever experience. I couldn't do anything that would harm this defenseless being so I got over my own fears.
I felt so much better. Was it some magical hormone released in your body when you become pregnant or was it something higher, more spiritual?
So after going for all the medical appointments and scans everything seemed to be evolving perfectly. A was as happy as me and my parents too. Friends were ecstatic. My life was taking a turn for the better.

What do you remember about the first instant you found out you were pregnant?

Were you expecting it?
What did you do?
How long had you been TTC?

It couldn't possibly be.. could it?

A day passed by and I still had the same symptoms, and the same inkling but one not good sign.. menstrual cramps. That's it, I thought, I'm not pregnant after all, how can I be when I can feel my period coming on? So as per usual I just waited to see those first spots of blood (that usually made me cry). After another few days of waiting  I thought something really must be amiss and I started to get my hopes up. I couldn't wait any longer. I had to get that dreaded pregnancy test.
I waited until the morning after to take it for a proper result. Hope and fear were blowing up inside me at the thought of a) a positive result and the consequences or b) a negative result and the consequences.
I was sure to find that one lonely line and was ready to jump back into bed and start crying but I decided to wait a full 5 minutes to give it the chance to work properly and give me 5 minutes of extra hope. I couldn't resist the wait, I looked straight away to see that one line slowly become darker and darker. But there wasn't just one line getting darker, both lines were at the same pace! The pregnancy line was just as dark as the other! I remember screaming, my heart beating like mad, pacing up and down the whole house laughing and crying at the same time. I have to ring A!

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A rough start

'It surely couldn't be' I thought to myself that cold day in November as I was walking around the shopping centre with my loved one. It had been a stressful month, even more so than last month, trying to cope with anxiety attacks, the result of the stressful events my life lately had thrown at me. Those things I thought I was strong enough to cope with, actually had grown out of proportion and were torturing me in the form of terrifying panic attacks and general anxiety. I consider myself as being an emotional but strong person capable of handling anything life throws at me and making it into something easy and nice. I've always been a fighter and always had to fight against some difficult situation always to come through the other end relatively unscarred (despite accumulated stress which always reared it's ugly head after a while in a form of anxiety). So the first thing you should know is that my life has been like a crazy rollercoaster ride full of ups, beautiful, exciting, nauseating ups; and downs, down as far down as you can imagine. One good aspect of being me though is that I'm sensible and level-headed, so even in the worst of situations I've never done anything that I knew would harm me long term even when surrounded by naughty things that could have allured a weaker person.
One of my salvations was him, A. My true love. A loving and affectionate man that swept me under his wing just at the right time in my life. The only downside to A was that he had a past. An ex wife, freshly seperated with a child. But with the love I had for this man, nothing else mattered, as long as we were together.
Getting back to where we were, I didn't think something like this could ever happen. After 6 months of actively trying and each period as punctual as your landlord waiting to be paid, I finally had the inkling that I may be pregnant. By this time I knew my body perfectly, ovulation tests weren't necessary as I instinctively knew when I was fertile by my bodily changes. My period was a day late and the thing that had me most suspicious was the fact my boobs were still tender. That tenderness faded away about a week before my cycle began.
So walking around the shopping centre on that cold day of November, I cautiously thought 'I could be pregnant...' and a whirlwind of hope lit up inside me.

"Love is the kind of thing that's already happening by the time you notice it, that's how it works, and no matter how old you get, that doesn't change. Except that you can break it up into two entirely distinct types -- love where there's an end in sight and love where there isn't."
— Banana Yoshimoto (Goodbye Tsugumi)


For those of you who feel that strong bond that binds you. For those of you who feel a strong sense of protection towards someone who isn't even here yet. For those of you who feel this experience of being pregnant as one of the most beautiful sensations life has to offer. This blog is for you